cognitive dissident (ariael) wrote,
cognitive dissident
ariael

i am not missing, i am a newyorker now

proofs: i have a wintergarden staring at the empire state and i stay obsessing about my interior, which now is non existent (sleeping on the floor for not finding the appropriate bed)
i become a roomate and roomate paranoid of other paranoid roomates
the city is feeding on me not anymore me on the city
i thought about jumping off the roof twice for good, but now i know it is not me it's the room which is haunted (the woman next door did it for good)
i tend to reproduce very regressive patterns because i am alone for real without the boy who was holding the kite string and became the man who open his hand
i am alone and i know great people here
i came here to play music and spend my time and energy on keeping the means to be able to play
i run around like a dog a mouse, it feels like falling down a staircase everyday
i am bloodless and have no choice but become heartless but it aches
i am drowning many times a day, barely keeping my head up above dark water

my eyes are veiled from the wake
i lost my twin and cant remember who i am
i miss you and will spend my life missing you, not who we were maybe but who we dreamt to be
or better: i'll spend a lifetime trying to forget you
because i have no choice
because i have no choice

i came in a place where you have no choice
and there is no way back because going back to Paris last time i felt a stranger and felt inadequate and wrong, living an unconstructive adolescent dream of being a musician in NYC when my friends have careers and houses.

Call it setting yourself up?
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