cognitive dissident (ariael) wrote,
cognitive dissident
ariael

one more candle blown, no birthday

my father came also to tell me in person we lost someone most dear
his girlfrend Christine, who was 12 years older than me and brought me
up from 5 yo to 15

she left a 13 yo son and a little girl
her heart stopped and she lost consciousness and was never reanimated
my father didnt want to tell me in time; it was at the begining of the
year, just when I was very low and pushed towards extreme destructive
streaks because of cutting off essential bounds
you know

i am sad
one day i'll be all alone
left with memories of people noone else has known

she is the second of the two people I thought would be there for me when my parents go
both young, beautiful, full of a sense of life that was brought by braving loss: that softness in their voice; it feels they could simply see what each day had to offer by being that day
my beloved James and sweet Christine
both their heart gave in

we talked with my father and i think some of my reactions to my lover's feelings changed
also because of what i lived recently:
it write: "some disbelief was forced upon me
and it is hard to see you can still wish and love so strongly because
when i see it i also am forced to admit how this way of feeling is
gone for me
because i had no choice
i resisted for years against several loss and loves
and wanted to keep the feeling alive, unaltered and vibrant even when
i found left alone with it; just to keep truthfull to how it use to
feel and how i used to be
but i was forced to let go of that because it hurt too much to be
alone to hold onto that past and treasure moments and times you shared
with someone who decided to change, meaning to become someone who
doesnt shelter that love and someone who never grew that part that
carried you with them"

It is my 5th week of work with no break feels like an endless tunnel; i am numbed and in Paris for a three more days; I managed to keep on and not fall sick only on nerves ressources

it is sunny here back
my heart is seeing the sunlight under the shallow of water
when you see the surface itself and the light through its matter
and if you turn your eyes down under you infinitely darkened lands of depth
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