I saw my kinesiologist again today... I cannot repeat a simple sentence about seeking serenity in union. I see two horizontal blades of metal like a magnet, a vibraphone... and as my feet/channels are localized i simply see I never stood up on my legs but am horizontally lying above the ground... not on this table... just generally. He takes in with no surprise that I go about things, living, in such posture. Not rooted, in reality. Not in phase at all with the world and others. The intimate image I gave he addresses as both a symbol and a reality. I found a way to outcome the inadequacy of that posture (i lie down when all is standing, i stand when the other is lying down) it is to express everything essentially , connecting directly on an energetic level (different terminologies, i accept energy as in physics, then it does rejoin ontology and the atomist spirituality of buddhism f.i; the alpha and omega, the constant and the change; the general category for what makes the being be.)
Now the excess coming from instability, inability to connect without compensating (because of my reversed world/me), I express in a style of conversation that I recently identified as delusive. I sadly have misled myself and burnt out this time. Because I can only be myself n the distance, because of not being in phase. Which has nothing to do with social difficulties with others, nothing to do with psychology. It is the whole world/ a cosmos you made yours you live in and carry about. The instability manifested when encountering others world was induced by the fragility of my own construction (floating about in ideality/not taking in circumstantial elements etc). Inducing the temptation to reject the physical element. Again. Being ethereal.
So he tweaked that. I didn't want as well as was awaiting it. Then for a second I left everything, like fainting but being conscious. He shook me off and I cried because that state was actually pleasant... it was just the other world, limbos etc. It felt like a release. Being, perceiving all but absolutely detached, probably disembodied for a second. My hand got limp and he saw my face losing all colours. I connected back. Then shaken and flushed.
I confused what music indicated of deep affinity ( how to define the ipseity, the essence belonging to a being itself, if not through a certain harmonic: a set of scales and gaps and the sequences that move it... that expresses and resumes past and future, all given and intentions) and everything else.
But through this i found out how only music can represent this for me. That song you made, I made... letting everything of mine fall into that moment produced by all of the world then. Strangely, I wouldn't change a note to it. I used to interrupt every sequence, sending it back to itself for its inadequacy. No more. What a wonderful way to capture and be.
This is how seasong is for me. Vital. Witness of an acquainted world I hold.