cognitive dissident (ariael) wrote,
cognitive dissident

La cosa mentale

I walk in familiar streets, Paris this time, boulevard st Germain, a sunday fall sun. I see famous writers and actors, I get Kenzaburo Oe and Deleuze Critique et Clinique at la Hune. I pursue to le jardin du Luxembourg, a funny group of men clung around chessboards. I try to collect images and impressions, but... it all projects itself on a screen of mist. Impressions more vague than they are, spaces between colours which are not shades, confusion- diffusion... I am haunting. Not my past but the present that doesn't vivify the ancient, doesn't send new signals to ended parts. All in suspension, with me, adrift. Not even focused enough to find it uncomfortable or bizarre. Ghosts- different modes of being.
I saw my kinesiologist again today... I cannot repeat a simple sentence about seeking serenity in union. I see two horizontal blades of metal like a magnet, a vibraphone... and as my feet/channels are localized i simply see I never stood up on my legs but am horizontally lying above the ground... not on this table... just generally. He takes in with no surprise that I go about things, living, in such posture. Not rooted, in reality. Not in phase at all with the world and others. The intimate image I gave he addresses as both a symbol and a reality. I found a way to outcome the inadequacy of that posture (i lie down when all is standing, i stand when the other is lying down) it is to express everything essentially , connecting directly on an energetic level (different terminologies, i accept energy as in physics, then it does rejoin ontology and the atomist spirituality of buddhism f.i; the alpha and omega, the constant and the change; the general category for what makes the being be.)
Now the excess coming from instability, inability to connect without compensating (because of my reversed world/me), I express in a style of conversation that I recently identified as delusive. I sadly have misled myself and burnt out this time. Because I can only be myself n the distance, because of not being in phase. Which has nothing to do with social difficulties with others, nothing to do with psychology. It is the whole world/ a cosmos you made yours you live in and carry about. The instability manifested when encountering others world was induced by the fragility of my own construction (floating about in ideality/not taking in circumstantial elements etc). Inducing the temptation to reject the physical element. Again. Being ethereal.
So he tweaked that. I didn't want as well as was awaiting it. Then for a second I left everything, like fainting but being conscious. He shook me off and I cried because that state was actually pleasant... it was just the other world, limbos etc. It felt like a release. Being, perceiving all but absolutely detached, probably disembodied for a second. My hand got limp and he saw my face losing all colours. I connected back. Then shaken and flushed.
I confused what music indicated of deep affinity ( how to define the ipseity, the essence belonging to a being itself, if not through a certain harmonic: a set of scales and gaps and the sequences that move it... that expresses and resumes past and future, all given and intentions) and everything else.
But through this i found out how only music can represent this for me. That song you made, I made... letting everything of mine fall into that moment produced by all of the world then. Strangely, I wouldn't change a note to it. I used to interrupt every sequence, sending it back to itself for its inadequacy. No more. What a wonderful way to capture and be.
This is how seasong is for me. Vital. Witness of an acquainted world I hold.
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