cognitive dissident (ariael) wrote,
cognitive dissident

"a girl i used to know"

"Il a su tenter une jeune fille a l'aide de ses dons spirituels, il a su l'attirer vers lui sans se soucier de la posseder, au sens le plus strict... Je peux me figurer qu'il savait amener une jeune fille au point culminant ou il etait sur qu'elle sacrifierait tout pour lui. Mais les choses ayant ete poussees jusque la, il rompait, sans que de son cote, les moindres assiduites aient eu lieu, sans qu'un mot d'amour ait ete prononce, et encore moins une declaration d'amour, une promesse. Et pourtant une impression avait ete creee, et la malheureuse en gardait doublement l'amertume, parce qu'elle n'avait rien sur quoi s'appuyer(...) She could only be constantly tossed about by the most divergent moods in a terrible witche's dance, at one moment reproaching herself, forgiving him, at another reproaching him, and then, since the relationship would only have been actual in a figurative sense, she would constantly have to contend with the doubt that the whole thing might have been imagination."
S.Kierkegaard, Le Journal du seducteur.

point of rupture was reached, where we stood at the closest.
I am the eternal maiden... so light and indecisive, ready to flare up, be captivated. Flying there. And really... noone believes me when, after being misunderstood, I have to rectify that really I do not know that I am seeking for something from someone. Because I am not: someone doesn't exist, and I don't know what I want from anybody but there he was... That one, the only one I wouldnt' want to expect anything from, but who has everything and with the sense of its worth wouldn't disperse it to the unworthy. Each of us recognized and chosen. Despite a great rigueur. But was I wrong if it led to a volte-face. The terrible beauty of the sharp. Bringing softness in me. I am offering my side to truth. I trust, I love intelligence more than trust and love. I wear on my left hand a roman Athena crowning... I am the one who makes sacred. The recognition of greatness sings the choir. Listen. I am losing myself again. The girl is a being want to be small and smaller. With a great and greater sense of the rare. Inspiring awe. My heart threatened built a castle. A kingdom to be. A wider splendor. For an ideal found between two.
I am a mystique then?
Nothing is real I breathe nothing. I sit on an ideal chair. I create a divinity to fly with and fly. All this state I created for myself... scarce encouraged? No... I slowly was turning to him, rising, appearing, confirmed through correspondances and affinities. Why alone now I only hold an impression.
And I know I shan't be distracted now. But concentrate, now that I start to find confidence in my own creation. Cease to be a child, gazing through time. My vision can't be seen yet. Now is the time. Come on.
A monastery in Scotland. Simple bedrooms smelling wood. A choir. Outside, drizzly green hills and the sense of being close to the shore.
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